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I never believed in monsters

I never believed in them
until the day he showed me that
they not only hide in closets
but inside those you hold Teddy Ruxpin close
And so I borrowed Jason’s mask to hide from the inevitable
But his contempt dripped from blades sharper than Mr. Kruegers
And now…now my dreams are in danger
Not hiding between stilettos
and empty hangers
But inside I love you’s
that meant I loathe you
Lust between fornicating strangers

I believed he hated me…

And maybe if I’d of seen it the first time he
started berating me
“Dumb bitch”, kick to the guts
anything to put degrade in me
He felt I deserved it…
So as his hands verbalized just how worthless
my pretty teeth were without a little blood
to show off their purpose
My O+
made me oh so positive
that the bitter copper taste lining my throat
wasn’t his prerogative
amidst a traffic jam of broken thoughts
my broken heart was the most cognitive

I heard me crying…

My self respect buried & my sanity dying
Same hands around my throat…
I couldn’t breathe
But I kept trying…
Reaching to my heaven
I saw God’s tears
And heard my grandmother sighing
But then…

But then he apologized….

And those words worth their weight in gold
Had my fear suddenly subsidized
Until HD xrays of my thoracic cavity
Showed me another side
of Genesis Chapter 2
But instead of giving?
THIS Adam broke ribs with pride
And I didn’t even get a damn
granny smith apple
All I got was promises that he’d change before we make it to the chapel
All I did was pick up the pieces left behind
By his temper’s invisible shrapnel
Subconsiously I consciously
prayed for his hugs after each grapple
Imagination mixed with reality
Spelled love and brutality
But wait…this ain’t Scrabble

Still, I loved him

I loved him more than I loved myself
after names became more than nouns
and verbally robbed me of self wealth
After pain was more than a word
evolved to a verb
predicated on my health
tears full of spineless words
like paperbacks on crowded shelves
I turned towards accusing mirrors
pointing fingers at myself
While tan covergirl concealer
Made a heaven out of hell
I reached back into recesses
where my memories sometimes dwell
where smiles hid no stresses
and didn’t dance atop eggshells
I faced a stranger with my eyes
who bought the lies he chose to sell
I told her truths she’d never believe
until she faced the truth herself…

I don’t deserve this.


Neisha Himes aka Beautiful Dizaster, is poet and spoken word artist from Virginia. Raised in New Jersey, she has been writing since she was a child and continues to hold a passion for this art. Beautiful Dizaster gives away a piece of herself with every performance in the hopes you might walk away with another piece of yourself.
Connect with Neisha on Instagram: @Bea_Diz or
Facebook: Facebook.com/BeaDiz126